Image courtesy of Live Action.

I tend to stay away from hot button issues like abortion.  And I think that’s because I don’t tend to take a firm stance one way or another.  I can see things from all sides and it just comes off like I’m soft I think.  Plus, I’m not a huge fan of getting up on my soap box and preaching to people about things, especially on things I haven’t personally experienced.

I haven’t personally been affected by gun violence.  It has hit too close to home, but I don’t know how equipped I am to say someone who has lost her child to gun violence is wrong for wanting gun control.  If I lost my child to something like that I’d probably want change too.

Same thing with abortion.  I’ve never had one and it never crossed my mind to have one.  I do however have a friend in college who contemplated abortion and I watched the torment she went through in making up her mind.  She ultimately opted to not abort and I haven’t heard any regrets about that choice.  I also know what she went through to come to that decision and it took almost losing her to make her come to the realization that she couldn’t go through with the abortion because she loved her already.

I Didn’t Know How Much I Loved You Until You Were Gone

When I had gotten pregnant with my angel baby I didn’t know I was pregnant until I was in my 2nd trimester with her.  Almost as quickly as I found out I was pregnant it seemed I had lost her though.  I tried justifying it in my mind at first with the whole we weren’t ready to handle another and it was meant to be.  But her loss has left a hole in my heart none the less.  Immediately after I had given birth to her I felt such relief that it was over.  I slept.  I slept hard and I dreamed of her and I woke up bleeding and aching.  My heart was aching and the only thing that could heal that ache was her.  I had to hold her.  I did hold her.  I cherish those moments.

What does this have to do with abortion you ask?  Well, for the entire time I knew I was pregnant (about a month) I didn’t feel connected to her.  I mean not in the way I had felt a connection to my other children when I was pregnant with them.  I thought we were done having children.  I wanted her, but I didn’t know I wanted her.  Not until she was gone.

I suppose I easily could have chosen to abort her (if I had found out I was pregnant earlier).  We couldn’t handle another child at that time.  We were just starting to get my son, who had a very rough first year of life, back on track.  We were living in a much too small apartment for five people, let alone six.  I had no idea where we would have put her when she got here or anything.  The timing really was bad and had I chosen to abort her I would be grief stricken like I am today, but the difference is I couldn’t have said it.  It would have been my choice and no one would be able to understand that kind of grief.

Sixteen years ago when my friend was torn over what to do, it was extreme cramping and an ultrasound where she saw her baby which made her realize how much she loved her child.  She couldn’t go through with anything after that.  No matter how difficult of a place she was in.  No matter if it meant giving up her scholarship and leaving the college dorm.  She couldn’t turn her back on her child.

I took her to one final clinic appointment where she told them she wasn’t going to go through with it and we left.  And today she has a beautiful fifteen year old daughter.  She has gone on to have three more children.  She has a good life and she’s happy.

This is where we fail women I think in making the choice.  I think we’re so concerned about interfering and feeling like we’re twisting their arm that we forget this is a huge decision which we should not be making lightly.  And it should not be made without considering everything.  Which includes the toll it could take on a woman after she has an abortion.

The Changing Face Of The Pro-Life Movement

I read an article recently about some kids in a van changing the face of the pro-life movement.  The call it the Stork Bus.   This might be the changing face of the pro-life movement (at least I hope it is).  Perhaps this is leading to less sidewalk protesting and even worse the bombings.  Yes, I will agree the idea of killing people to send a message not to kill babies is completely absurd.  I would say the majority of Pro-Life advocates wish there weren’t people like that mucking up the cause, but there are extremists on all sides of an argument.

So more and more these pregnancy crisis centers are popping up.  Which of course have the pro-choicers up in arms because they say they are pushing an agenda.  They keep women from having an abortion with stall tactics or forcing unwanted tests on them.  And these kids in a van ultimately are just a mobile version of these pregnancy crisis centers.  What they are doing is driving around and offering counseling and sonograms to women who are walking into an abortion clinic.  They aren’t kidnapping them and forcing them into a procedure they don’t want.  They are simply giving them a chance to see what it is they are choosing to terminate.  They are offering them another choice.

What’s so bad about that?  Even better question is why don’t abortion doctors offer their patients a chance to see their unborn child?  Why aren’t we offering them counseling and alternatives to this choice?  Because they know what they want?  Well, what about our teenage daughters who sneak off to have an abortion without parental consent?  Do they know what they want?  Do they understand the gravity of what is happening to them?  Because my 20 year old college friend didn’t fully grasp the reality of it until she was faced with the harsh reality of what it meant and how much she loved her child already.  My 30 year old self honestly didn’t know what I had until it was gone.  We expect our teen daughters to understand this?

Maybe, just maybe these birth crisis centers and vans offering mobile sonograms have the answer.  If women are choosing to not have an abortion after talking to someone about their other options or after seeing the beating heart of the baby inside of them, then why is that a bad thing?  Why is it bad to arm women with all of the information?  Why is it bad that they see their baby and decide that they can’t go through with the abortion?  I mean isn’t it possible that they weren’t that sure about their decision to begin with?  Isn’t it possible that the reality of receiving an abortion that you weren’t emotionally ready to handle could cause more problems?  Women suffering silently after making a choice they weren’t prepared to make without all of the information.

Lets give women a chance to make truly informed choice.  And that means showing them exactly what they are giving up.  That the fetus as it’s so clinically referred to is more than just tissues and cells.  That might make it more comforting to look at a baby that way in early pregnancy, but we know deep down it is more than that.  And these feelings will come out eventually and we want to make sure there’s no room to say, “I didn’t know!”

It Doesn’t End There

We need to continue to council women after no matter what choice they do make.  But especially if they choose to have an abortion.  Women can and do experience depression after having an abortion and feel a great sense of loss.  Even if it was her choice that doesn’t mean we should blow her off and say well that was your choice.  We make bad choices all the time, but that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve some empathy and understanding.  If you are a woman having a hard time dealing with your abortion, then I encourage you to seek help.  Don’t suffer alone.

I do hope to see a change in the look of abortion in my lifetime.  Not eliminated.  I do think in some instances it does have its place, but we have a responsibility to make sure a woman is fully educated in this choice.  That she does know that this fetus is more than just a bunch of tissues and cells.  The heart develops just 5 weeks into gestation (or 3 weeks after conception).  That’s more than just a bundle of cells.

Lets trust women to know what’s truly in their best interest by arming them with all of the facts.  This includes counseling, alternative options to abortions, and showing them exactly what they might be missing out on.  If all of this makes a woman decide not to have an abortion, then maybe she never really wanted one to begin with, but didn’t realize she had options or didn’t understand what she would be giving up.

What do you think about the Stork Bus?

While eating for $1.50 a day ended on Friday you can still make a donation.  I wanted to give you all an update on how it went though.

I think this year went better than last year did.  I was far more prepared.  Plus I had a partner since my oldest joined me for it.  Thursday was a difficult day.  I kept craving things I couldn’t have.  Then Friday with only an hour or so to go I was craving things.  It was like I was at the finish line, I couldn’t stumble now.  And I made it.

My poor daughter ended up sick on Saturday and was still unable to eat.  I felt so bad for her.

I hope we have brought awareness to this problem.  If nothing else I know this experience has taught my daughter a little something about the cost of food and how we shouldn’t take anything for granted.  That’s a great lesson in and of itself.

While I imagine those who live their lives like this all the time don’t crave things like popcorn and slurpies because they have never had them the fact still remains that they are not getting the proper nutrients a body needs to sustain.

I can’t say for certain that my daughter getting sick had anything to do with her not eating because after all the illness has gone through our house.  However, she might have been able to fight it off better if she were able to eat more fresh fruits and vegetables.  I can only imagine how parents must feel watching their children get sick though and knowing there’s nothing they can do about it.

I hope you can find it in your hearts to make a donation, however small it may be because every little bit helps.  Lets help more people eat the foods required to sustain life and prevent illness.

Would you ever try to eat on $1.50 a day for any extended amount of time?

We are two days in to Live Below the Line and eating only $1.50 worth of food a day.  My oldest has joined me in this journey and she seems to be handling it pretty well.  So far I’m doing okay with it too.  If I recall correctly it was days 3 and 4 that ended up being the most difficult for me.

I have planned this out a little better this year though where I can eat more than once a day because of the meals I have chosen for dinner.

Yesterday I had a peanut butter sandwich for lunch and ziti with sauce and a piece of bread and butter for dinner.  I had a little money left over and I was hungry last night after I put the kids to bed so I had a spoonful of peanut butter.  Just so you know peanut butter is a staple in my diet, I do in fact eat it every day.

For today, I knew my dinner was going to be a little more costly.  I was still able to have a peanut butter sandwich and for dinner we had oven fried chicken, rice pilaff, and corn.  And I avoided temptation too.

It was a beautiful day here so after lunch we took the two little kids fishing.  My husband was thirsty when we were done so he suggested we go to 7-11.  I’m a sucker for their slurpies.  At first I said sure, but then I was like no wait I can’t, that will use up all of my money and then some for the day.  He suggested I just get a small soda, but I declined knowing that if I did I would have to seriously limit what I could eat at dinner.  And since I’d rather have food than soda right now I didn’t do it.

I am sticking to tap water to drink throughout the day.  And so far so good.  Only 3 more days to go.  Tomorrow might be the real test though.

It’s hard having food in the house and not being able to eat it.  Or being able to afford to eat more or have more, but not do it.  This sure has a way of putting things into perspective.  It really wouldn’t take much in all honesty to put us in a place where we couldn’t afford to eat the things we normally enjoy.  People live like this everyday.  And they can’t change it.  But hopefully this helps.  It only helps if we all do our part.  Whether that’s bring awareness, make a donation, or spread the word.  We have to do something to help others not have to worry if they can eat meat tonight or not.  Go make a donation to the Helping Hearts Fund today.

Thanks for following me in this journey.

A few months ago I told you how I had decided to Live Below the Line again this year.  I was going to eat and drink on just $1.50 a day to help bring awareness to the extreme poverty that is felt worldwide.  Also to help raise funds to try to combat the problem.  It starts today!  I will continue to eat and drink on $1.50 a day through Friday May 3.

I have to say I’m disappointed.  I’m disappointed in myself really because I have not managed to raise a single dime thus far for this cause.  I’m supporting Happy Hearts Fund and they are getting nothing out of me doing this.  Now I won’t stop because even if I don’t raise a dime, I am raising awareness.  My oldest daughter has decided to join me in this too.  Very proud of her that she’s willing to make this sacrifice.  But I really want to help Happy Hearts Fund and I know I could have done more.

Perhaps you don’t have faith in me that I’ll really hold true and stick to my word to only eat $1.50 worth of food a day.  Maybe I just haven’t promoted this enough.  I do not know, but there is still time.  You can still make a donation.  You can still pass this along and ask others to make a donation.

I really am only eating $1.50 worth of food and drink a day.  There will be no sodas this week, only free water.  I will not splurge on the cake that is in my fridge, I promise.  I have prepared my menu for the week based on the idea of eating only $1.50 worth of food a day.  I carefully and painstakingly planned it out.  I will stick to it too.  It might even be a little easier to do so this year with a partner to do this with.  The rest of the family might kick us out for the next 5 days because they are tired of hearing the grumblings of our stomachs, but I will stick this out because I truly believe this is a cause worth showcasing. 

Think about what your life would be like if you didn’t know when your next filling meal would come.  Think about what it would mean if you knew you couldn’t provide the proper nutrients to your children to help them grow and thrive.  That was what got me last year in all of this.  Knowing that I could still put a decent meal on the table for my children and they did not have to go to bed hungry was really eye opening.

Now please find it in your heart to support Happy Hearts Fund and donate to this worth while cause.  They help rebuild communities and schools which have been destroyed by natural disasters.  Lets help rebuild schools for children.  We can do this, make a tax deductible donation today!

Will you support me as I Live Below the Line?

You all know I’m a huge proponent of child advocacy in our schools, right?  We have to speak out for our children.  If we take a back seat to their education and allow the teachers and administrators to steer, then we are doing our children a huge disservice.  There is a very delicate way to approach school advocacy though.  While sitting back and doing nothing is very bad the opposite end of the spectrum where we go all mama lion on them can be bad too.

I know what you’re thinking.  But Monica, no one messes with my babies.  Believe me I feel you, but you still have to be careful how you handle situations that arise.  There might come a time when you need to stand your ground and say, “No one sticks Baby in a corner.”  But most instances can be resolved relatively easily if we remain calm and reasonable and maybe even flexible.

I know emotions can run very high in instances.  Especially when there’s a disability involved.  I have a long sorted history of how I fought for 2 years to get my middle daughter the IEP I knew she deserved and required.  I got to my breaking point actually and it didn’t go well at all.  In the long run I don’t know that my public outburst (and by public I mean on a public blog which I didn’t think people were actually reading) really helped my daughter.  It put everyone on the defensive and I want to help others avoid things like that.

I’m not really going to get into all the ins and outs of PPT (Planning Placement Team) meetings or even IEPs (Individual Education Plans).  If it comes down to that I want you to know by law you have the right to have anyone there that you want and that includes an advocate.  Someone who speaks on behalf of the child and who isn’t at emotionally invested is a good thing in many cases.  I personally have not needed one yet, but I’m not dealing with a child who has autism or Down Syndrome or some other physical or mental ailment which can make learning more of a challenge.  My friend Renee over at My Special K’s has done many great posts about the dreaded PPT meetings and how to prepare for those so if you’re looking for great information on that and the laws, which you should know when going through that, then I highly recommend checking her out.

Right here, right now I mostly want to talk about how to discuss daily classroom issues with your child’s classroom teacher and possibly even the administration.  Because these can be just as important meetings in your child’s education.

What You Need To Understand

While we all might look at schools and teachers as people who work for us, they have other people above them who they have to answer to.  I am not knocking the profession of teaching.  I think teachers are great.  I think in most cases the administration is great, but it’s a job, and just like with every job, has office politics.  Only the public school politics are governed generally by people who don’t know the first thing about education let alone our individual child.  So they have to work within a certain scope of rules and regulations.  Of course there are laws too which to save a buck schools and their administration are asked to look for ways to get around over spending.

When I had my 5 year old’s physical this year as usual his doctor asked about all aspects of his life which included school.  I told her that we had some concerns, but we were working with his teacher and we have put the idea of retention on the table.  She said something to me that I hadn’t really considered.  They might not allow that because the cost of paying for his education for that extra year would be too high.  So now I’m worried of course.  And I worried for nothing, but I’m not entirely clear on the whole financial aspect of retention.  Do they have a cut off of how many students they are allowed to retain?  This could be a serious issue in the larger cities.  If we were located somewhere else my son’s needs might have been pushed aside to meet the greater needs of another child.

Teachers and administrators have lots of other people to answer to.  So what I have observed ends up happening is what looks to me like lots of schmoozing.  Teachers carefully choose their words when describing situations with your child.  Administrators hold back a lot of what has their hands tied in certain situations because the people who are in charge of creating the rules generally don’t like to get their hands dirty.  They don’t want to hear how dissatisfied mommy is about little Suzy’s math progress.  So despite the fact that they made decisions on a curriculum from a place of not being in the classroom they’d rather not deal with the outcry.  So instead everyone’s just trying to keep everyone happy and tell the other party what they want to hear.  It’s psychological warfare and we have to play the game right along with them.

Playing The Game

So we as parents, we have to schmooze them all right back.  Not to the detriment of our child mind you.  This is advocacy not cave-acy after all.  But it’s like when you go into the car dealership to buy a car.  You need to work the deal to get the most out of what you want and this means you need to gather recon.  You need all of the information on the situation you can possibly get.  Talk to other parents in your child’s class to see what their children are saying about what’s happening.  Talk to your child, but do remember no matter how honest your child is and how much you want to believe every single word he utters kids do leave important details out.  Things they might be afraid to get in trouble for.  Stress the importance of telling the truth no matter what and be sure to ask plenty of follow up questions, but do understand that there are 2 sides to every story and somewhere in the middle is the truth.  So you have to be prepared to hear what the teacher has to say about a particular situation and then put the pieces together.

This leads me to my most important advice.  Do not go into a meeting with a teacher ready to point fingers.  If you go in there making accusations, this will put the teacher on the defensive.  And this is when things can get ugly.  Suddenly she is pointing out every slightly wrong thing your child has ever done in the classroom no matter how minor and insignificant it was.

So if instead you go in there and say I’m concerned because this is what little Johnny said happened and it really concerned me so I wanted to hear what you say happened.  And then you want to make sure to always use passive statements.  Things like, “When you say this, this is how it makes me feel…”  Turn it around onto you so they can really understand that you are just concerned and not that you are blaming.  Make it very clear though that you are not fully and blindly trusting everything your child says (even if you do believe every word) because all you want at this point is to hear what the teacher has to say, but the calm not on the defensive teacher.  Once she has said her piece you can decide what the truth is and ask further probing questions if you need to.

Do not make public statements that can get back to a teacher or administrator.  This means don’t call your child’s teacher a bully on Facebook.  Even if your child’s teacher isn’t following you, you never know who might see it and say something to the teacher.  This is also why I’m careful about what I say and how much when I blog.  Been there done that one before.  I blogged thinking no one really reads my blog and come to find out my blog became the talk of the school.  It made for an extremely uncomfortable meeting.  Despite my public apology before we even met, none of that mattered when we sat down to meet and my daughter’s teacher had points from my blog post in front of her.  I sure wish I had known she was going to do that so I could have the blog post with me and recall the context with which I was saying what I said.

While I always know the gist behind what I write having something picked apart piece by piece when you don’t have it in front of you can be hard to counter.  And that was exactly what it turned into.  It was a shame that it had to be that way and ultimately it ended up making me dislike that particular teacher even more (I can say this now because she is not now, nor will she ever be my child’s teacher).  But I learned in this no matter how involved of a parent you are (and I was the PTA president at the school at the time) the principal will stick up for the teacher in these situations.  No matter how well you might know the principal he knows the teacher better and works long hours with her and in that situation his priority becomes the teacher and not the child.

It’s frustrating but true.  I have even had meetings almost all the way to the top of the department of education and they tend to side on the side of the employee in these matters.  They rely on these people to do so much for them and they don’t want to burn those bridges.  While they also want to smooth over whatever concerns you have they have to keep their employees happy too and sometimes have union regulations to follow.

It shouldn’t be a them versus us sort of thing, but it sure does feel that way when we’re going through it.  However, if you work the system, then you should be able to get most of what you want.  Just remember, your child has to stay with the teacher for the whole year.  You want to do whatever you can to make that as easy for her as possible and sometimes that means sucking up your true feelings about a teacher and keeping them to yourself for the sake of your child.  Not to your child’s detriment of course.  Follow the proper course of action though and give everyone time to improve things.  Don’t go over the teacher’s head and go right to the principal for everything.  The principal doesn’t like that and the teacher certainly doesn’t either.  And don’t take things to the board before talking to the principal.  You have to follow the chain of command and follow up before you take it a step further.

If you follow this advice you should be great at advocating for your children.

What tips do you have for educational advocacy?

mage courtesy of digitalart / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I hear it all the time.  “What is this world coming to?”  Heck, I’ve even said it.  Some variation of it even.  Things like, “What ever happened to customer service?”  Times have changed.  The world in general seems like a very negative place?  Or is it?

Are we really living in that different of a world, or is it just that with technology we are more aware of it?  Or is it our own outlook on things is so negative.

I’m not gonna lie, I can be a very negative person.  I have judged actions of other people (parents especially) time and time again.  The older I get the more I realize what good does it do me?  Honestly, I could really care less how someone parents their child unless of course it begins to effect me in some way.  Or unless they are being a hypocrite.  Can’t stand a person who makes a huge deal about what someone chooses to do with their child and then turns around  and does the same thing. In that case I wouldn’t really say I’m judging their actions as a parent and more the fact that they give people grief for doing exactly what they do.

But I really don’t think things have changed all that much. There has always been rude inconsiderate people. People who break the law. People who think the world owes them something. I don’t believe though that per capita it’s any more than it ever was. In general I do think most people intend to do good. And I think sometimes that parent we’re passing judgment on because I would never do something like that might just be an overtired sleep deprived person with the weight of the world on their shoulders.  And we don’t know what we would do if we were in their shoes.

We Just Don’t Know What’s Happening In Others Lives

My good friend Renee who blogs over at My Special Ks shared a story once about a woman who left her newborn baby in the car.  It was actually a case of mistaken identity where the owner of a certain mini van was called to the courtesy desk and Renee thought it was hers.  She got up there and as they were talking to her and asking her if she forgot anything in her van another woman came running up.

Turned out it was her van.  She had a carriage with some items in it and a toddler in tow.  Turned out it was her who left her baby in the car.  And Renee’s first reaction is how does someone do that?  We’re all probably thinking that.  Then Renee thought about all of the sleep deprived nights she had with a newborn.  She thought about how when she had her youngest her middle daughter was just beginning Cancer treatment.  How easy would it have been for her to be absent minded at that time?

We have all done things in a moment of weakness that we wish we hadn’t done.  And while we shouldn’t ever ignore the baby or child who was left in the car maybe we shouldn’t jump to conclusions about a parent or person.  Yes, there are parents out there who would leave their child in the car and think nothing of it.  But unless we know for a fact that this person does that (like this wasn’t our first run in at Target where this woman left her newborn in the car), why do we judge?  What good does it do?  It just makes us angry thinking about these parents who we don’t think are worthy of having children.  And it’s a stranger we probably will never see again so it’s not like your judgement of them is going to make them change.  In Renee’s case that mother had to talk to the police and she might have had a visit from protective services.  It was her job to prove that this was just an accident.

If our own children are with us, yes we want to teach them to do the right thing and report something like that, but we also want to teach them empathy for a fellow human being.  That person has enough to deal with, she doesn’t need the judgment of a stranger, or thousands of strangers if you choose to share it with the world.

So Here’s My Challenge…

I want you to think twice before you jump to judgment of that stranger whom you witness doing something inconsiderate or absent minded.  Take the time to do the right thing and then tell your children I hope everything is okay with that person.  She must have a lot going on in her life right now.

And while you’re giving out empathy for the strangers you come across in your life why not come over to my Facebook Fan Page this month and share some empathy with some loss moms?  Because this month I am sharing pictures and dates of loss of loss moms angel babies in honor of my own angel Celeste Alia.

If you’re a loss mom and would like your baby to be a part of this, I’m still accepting submissions.  Just email me at monicasmommusings@gmail.com with the subject Stillborn Photos.  It would be my pleasure to include your angel.

I think the less judgment we pass over our fellow human the less cynical we will be of this world.  And ultimately that will make us happier.  So are you up for this challenge?  Will you come by my Facebook wall and share some support for some loss moms?

It is said that 15% of women will have a miscarriage in their life and that 1 out of every 200 births in the United States ends in stillbirth.  Those are scary and heartbreaking stats, but even more so when you are a part of those statistics.

As many of you know, I became a part of those statistics 4 years ago when I had a stillborn baby girl at 20 weeks pregnant.  And had this tragic event not happened then I would have had 3 April birthday girls instead of 2 and we would be about to celebrate my oldest daughter’s 14th birthday (April 22nd), my middle daughter’s 11th birthday (April 11th), and my angel baby’s 4th birthday (due April 22nd).

Instead we are left with two birthdays, lots of questions, and very few memories not many of which are joyous of my little angel.  I don’t want it to be that way though.  I want people to remember my angel.  I want people to remember all loss parents angel babies.  Because the short time they were with us was a blessing no matter what.

I know not everyone has pictures of their angels.  Sometimes it happened too soon.  Not everyone thinks it’s a good idea to have pictures of the deceased.  But even without pictures I know us moms, we don’t forget something like that.  And I want to share whatever you have of your babies with all of my readers on my Facebook fan page for the entire month of April.

So here’s what I want you to do.  I want you to send me what you got.  If you have a picture, that’s wonderful.  If you have a picture, but aren’t ready to share that just yet that’s fine too.  Send me what you can or are able to share.  A name.  A date of miscarriage.  Expected due date.  Whatever makes you think of your angel and smile so we can show the world that these babies, no matter how briefly, did touch our lives in some way.  Hopefully for the better.  Hopefully we have gone on to do great things.

This is so important in our healing to talk about this so I will never deny women the chance to get it out there.  I have seen it do great things.  Even if people can be extremely cruel.  It’s true, they can be.  And not just people on the internet, our own in real life family and friends can be too.  But it has been my experience that most people are wonderful about it.  And sometimes they even learn something.

So miscarriage, stillborn, or even infant/newborn death please share it with me so I can share it with the world, or at least the 1500 or so people who follow me on Facebook.  All you have to do is email me at monicasmommusings@gmail.com with either your picture(s) and/or miscarriage date and/or stillbirth date and/or date of death with Stillborn Photos as the subject line.  I would love to have at least 30 angels to share on my FB page, one for each day in April, but the more the better.  So please pass this along and get the word out.  Lets share our angels!

Way back in 1996 I went off to college with hopes and dreams of becoming a school teacher.  I had to take my basic classes in my freshman year, but the school I went to believed in getting freshmen in the classrooms early.  Good thing they did too.  When I went to observe a 3rd grade class in my 2nd semester of college I said to myself, what am I thinking?  I don’t want to do this.  I don’t want to put up with 20 or more different personalities and I certainly don’t want to put up with all of those kids parents.  The parents might actually be worse than the kids.

Honestly, in that classroom I wasn’t thinking much about the parents.  I was only thinking about the students, but now that I am a parent, I see how bad we are to teachers.  You know what, me included.

I try really hard to make friends with my kids teachers, but sometimes I end up becoming the annoying mom.  Not all the time.  I got some attitude from my oldest daughter’s teacher this year.  Saw an email that probably wasn’t meant for me to see.  I stand behind my advocacy for my children always, but if I take a step back from myself and look at things from a teacher’s point of view dealing with students,parents, and administrators might just be enough to make anyone get a little snippy with a parent at times.

At least I can step outside of myself and try to come to an understanding with teachers and work with them.  I get so furious when I see other parents make blanket statements like our teachers are not doing their jobs.  You know what?  I have dealt with a bad teacher or two, but even in that case I think they were doing their job.  Just some are better at that job than others.

Your Child Is Failing Because Of The Teacher

I am a firm believer that we as parents are our child’s first and best teacher.  It is our job to get the educators to understand our child’s needs.  So if we’re going to fault the teacher, then we have to fault ourselves.  If a child isn’t learning it’s not because the teacher just isn’t teaching.  I mean perhaps you could say that if an entire class was below grade level in reading, but one child struggles does not automatically make it the teacher’s fault.

There are a number of reasons a child can struggle in school, but pointing fingers at teachers does not solve the problem.  Again, we have got to be accountable.  I know I have been on this accountability kick lately, but really it’s true.  That really seems to be the major problem of today in my opinion.  The lack of accountability.

If Your Child Is Failing…

Instead of blaming the teacher for not doing her job why not find out what’s going on?  Is your child easily distracted?  Is it age appropriate, or something that goes beyond that?  Maybe your child has a vision problem.  A trip to the optometrist can’t hurt.  Is there more you can do at home?  Because lets face it, while teachers have our kids 6 hours a day learning does not stop at the end of the school day.  And it doesn’t mean you have to set up a classroom in your home and teach things.

Just in your normal everyday activities you can point out words for them to read.  Throw out random math problems for them to solve.  Here are some things you can do at home or while you’re out:

• Take turns writing lines of a story you make up together.
• Practice writing letters.  You write a letter, and have them copy it.
• See how many different words you can make out of one word.
• In the car you can point out signs and have them read them.
• Find certain letters in license plates or road signs.
• Sing songs.
• Make up a song to help your child spell his name.

All of this is teaching and can only help and support what the teacher is doing in school.

Talk to the teacher about your concerns.  Often times they will have activities they can send home for you to do or tell you websites you can go to.  Teachers can’t do this alone.  Yes, their job is to teach a certain curriculum.  They have to teach it to 20 or more different children.  Children which are all at different levels.  They have to adjust things for students.  They are answering to parents and administration.  They are juggling it all.  Teachers can only do so much if we as parents aren’t doing our part at home.

Sometimes It’s Just Not Enough

Sometimes no matter how much we work with our children and teachers work with our children, sometimes it’s just not enough.  Sometimes they need even more help.  Believe me I have been there.  My middle daughter has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) for reading.  This is one smart girl.  I’ll never forget when she was 6 years old, we were in the grocery store and I was buying 3 – 6 packs of soda.  She quickly added in her head that it was 18 bottles of soda and proceeded to tell me that it was 9 for me and 9 for daddy.  Smart cookie.  Great at math.  Reading, she struggles with.

No matter how much we went over sight words (which I hate by the way, absolutely hate that we are teaching children to memorize words).  She plugs away at things harder than anyone I have ever seen.  In Kindergarten there were concerns about her reading.  She was behind then.  We moved her forward.  In 1st grade we still had concerns about her reading.  We moved her forward.  All this time I was meeting with the teachers and the principal and telling them I don’t want her to stay back.  She is too advanced in other areas.  We can’t keep her behind.  She’ll get bored.  We need to do something different.

Onto 2nd grade she went, still behind in reading.  I pushed for testing.  And testing revealed some interesting things about my daughter.  Things that they hadn’t seen before and did not know how to deal with it, but things they weren’t willing to say could put her on an IEP.  And I pushed and I pleaded and we finally got her an IEP and they adjust tests for her and they give her more time and they work with her on reading.

She will be going to middle school next year.  She knows reading is not her thing.  She still likes to read, but you know what?  It wasn’t the teachers fault.  It wasn’t anyone’s fault.  It is what it is.  She has a unique brain.  She has an amazing brain that I would love to get inside of to see what she sees, but she’s finally making steady gains in reading.

Now there’s my son who’s in Kindergarten.  I have been watching him all year making steady gains, but slow gains.  It wasn’t like his sisters gains when she was in Kindergarten.  This is different.  This is a situation where in my mind his age is just showing.  He’s younger than his classmates.  He doesn’t have the maturity or attention span that his classmates has.  But it’s not because of a delay, it’s because he’s young.  Give him time and he’ll catch up, I know it.  He’s not behind because his teacher isn’t doing her job.  Because she absolutely is.  He’s not behind because I’m not doing my job, because I work with him everyday.  He’s behind because he’s young.

All of my children I believe have the potential to be successful and do great things in life.  With the help of teachers who do their job and parents who do theirs we will find a way to get them there.

So remember, teachers are not the reason that children are behind.  There are so many other reasons children fall behind in school.  Stop blaming teachers and start working with them to find a solution to why your child might be struggling.  This isn’t an us versus them, we are a team and we need to work together to help our children succeed.  The second you put them on the defensive with statements like, “You’re not doing your job!” is the moment you have split up the team.  And that doesn’t help anyone.

Do you think teachers are to blame for children who are behind in their education?

Image courtesy of jscreationzs / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I graduated high school 17 years ago.   Very hard to believe.  What might be even harder to believe is that my teenager will be entering high school in the fall.  We have been trying to create her schedule and plan out her four year high school career.  And as frustrating as that has all been for us I think there’s a lot more I will have to worry about with  her in high school.  A lot more she has to worry about thanks to the creation of the internet.

When I was in high school we did not have all of these social media sites.  Honestly, I made it through high school without even having a computer in the house.  My parents didn’t buy a computer until I went to college.  Even in college I used a word processor to write reports.  There were a few girls in the dorm with a lap top and dial up internet and every once in a while they would allow me to use it, but it was mostly checking email or looking up some information for a paper that was due.  There was no Facebook.  There were message boards, but it just wasn’t as widely used back then.

Now everyone has an electronic device, or 10, which can give them instant access to the internet.  No more finding a phone line to connect to for dial up.  Kids have smart phones and Ipads and laptops.  We are connected to the world and it’s a great thing, most of the time.  A scary thing the rest of the time.

My Time On Social Media

So for the past 13 years I have been fully on the internet I have seen so many things change.  MySpace, Facebook, Twitter, and now G+ have all taken over the days of AOL chat rooms and message boards.  I have been involved in more than my fair share of internet drama in the past decade plus.

Most of the time it’s no big deal.  You just state your opinion, someone tells you it’s wrong and you move along.  The rest of the time it’s like being in high school all over again.  There are people saying well if you’re friends with her then you can’t be friends with me.  Lists of people you shouldn’t interact with.  Unfriending people on Facebook on a whim.  Maybe you didn’t respond to a picture or status update in a way they liked, or your constant daily updates on your life just get too annoying.  Friendships ending over social media.

I didn’t like the whole popularity contest when I was in high school.  I certainly don’t enjoy it now.  But honestly, I’m more worried about my kids.

Do My Kids Stand A Chance

I don’t have my kids too connected to the internet.  My 13 year old just got Facebook last year on her 13th birthday.  Most of her friends had been on Facebook for years already.  She does not have a smart phone (I don’t either).  She doesn’t need to be connected to the internet that often.  Until recently her cell phone was only to be used for emergencies.  She has just now been allowed to start texting and she hasn’t missed a beat with that.  While she hasn’t run up our bill (we have unlimited texting) she is texting 3 times more than me and my husband are.

But aside from all of this the internet is forever.  This was a tough lesson for me to learn.  One that I try to express to my children.  The internet is a privilege not a right and they need to use it appropriately.  And I only have control over what they say and do on the internet.  I can’t prevent their name from ending up on some arbitrary list that someone makes up simply because of who they are friends with.  I couldn’t prevent my own name from ending up on such a list and I’m 34 years old.

Someones reputation can be permanently damaged.  Futures ruined when they have done nothing wrong.  Kids taking videos and posting them to Youtube for the world to see ruining their reputation forever.  It’s scary.  Parenting in the information age is not easy.  Protecting our children from predators on the other side of the world and in a whole new way from their own peers.

What Can We Do

We have to be aware.  Aware of our children and know their friends.  Check their social media accounts.  Limit the ones that they have and seriously lock them down.  I will admit, I do not check my daughter’s texts and Facebook, but I make it very clear that I can and I will at any time.  To keep her on her toes I will ask her about her social media or who she is texting with.  I have confiscated her devices.  She can only use the internet in the living room.  Sometimes she is allowed to bring her computer into her bedroom to type up a paper.  She is not to go on the internet, and I have told her I will know if she’s on.

I even recently did go through her friend’s list on Facebook to find out who some of her friends were.  She is allowed her privacy, but I retain the right to read whatever she has put out digitally in some way.

I only wish I could do that for every child she comes into contact with.  Alas, I cannot.  So in the event that she should find her name on a list which defames her character in some way I will hope that the law and/or the school will be able to help me get it removed.  I hope it never comes to that.  I hope she never does something or befriends someone that would cause someone to act in such a public and hurtful way.  I know from own personal experience though that even if you are polite, sometimes just the people you are friends with can hurt you.  It was wrong way back when I was in school and it’s still wrong, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t still happen.

How will you protect your children from the information age?

If you have been a regular reader of mine for a while now, then you’ll remember that last year I was involved in a campaign called Live Below The Line.  What I did was vow to eat only $1.50 worth of food for 5 days last year to raise awareness of the fact that 1.4 billion people do this every single day.  There are 1.4 billion people who are so impoverished that they can only eat what amounts to the American equivalent of $1.50 worth of food and drink a day.

Can you imagine?  I certainly couldn’t imagine.  And after living it last year it was a ginormous wake up call for me that even with whatever financial hardships I might have as an American at least I can provide my children with more than $1.50 worth of food and drink a day.

I Was Invited Back This Year

And I will admit when I received the email asking me if I wanted to sign up again I hesitated.  I hesitated because it was so enormously hard to do.  Because I was hungry all the time.  Because making food for the rest of my family and only being able to eat small portions of it was hard.  Because my family also did not understand why I would make that kind of sacrifice.

And I thought about that.  I thought about my children thinking it was silly for me to not eat all of the food they were eating for 5 days.  And I thought you know what, even though they might not have understood that kind of sacrifice just now they did learn something.  Because every night we sat down to dinner and I was eating a tiny bowl of rice or just the noodles from dinner because even a small portion of protein was too much of my daily food budget we would talk about why I was doing it.  We would talk about the 1.4 billion people who live like that every single day.  And even if they don’t get the magnitude of that right now they will remember it, but only if I keep reminding them.

So I Talked To My Family Last Night

I told them that I was invited to do it again.  The questions of why began again.  But then there was also the how of it all.  How do you know you’re eating $1.50 worth of food?  It was like they were trying to see if they themselves could do it for just five days.

I have not invited them to join me because they are children.  I will see what my oldest two have to say as we get closer to the date of this.  Maybe I’ll let them join me to help drive home the importance of this.  Only if they want to though.  But I am committed to doing this again this year.  I just signed myself up.

Now I Need Your Help

Do you want to live below the line with me?  Do you want to help raise money and awareness for this cause?  Well, that is great.  I would love to have you join me.  I have created a team called Monica’s Mom Musings.  You can join my team and help raise funds and awareness for this worthy cause.

Or if you don’t want to commit to raising funds yourself or even eating on so little a day, but you have money to share, then please donate to this cause.

I have chosen Happy Hearts Fund to partner up with and raise money for.  This is a non profit foundation which rebuilds schools and restores hope to children after natural disasters.

In the past year after experiencing some of the natural disasters which we have and knowing the millions of dollars in government money which needed to be thrown at these situations I couldn’t think of a more worth while group to get involved with.

Because we are fortunate to have federal money which can help us rebuild.  So many do not have this.  And rebuilding schools for children to have a safe environment to learn in just seemed like something that I and Monica’s Mom Musings could really get behind.

So whether you are joining me in this challenge which is running from April 29 – May 3 this year, or you are donating, or just spreading the word I thank you from the bottom of my heart.  This is a very worthwhile cause and every little bit helps attack this problem.  Together we can help end hunger.

What will you be doing to help out in this Live Below The Line challenge today?