Monica's Mom Musing

Image courtesy of Huffington Post. Left: new Merida Right: Original Merida

Last summer Disney had another blockbuster hit called Brave.  One of several movies last year showing confident girls with bows and arrows doing their thing.  Between Brave and The Hunger Games it really piqued my daughter’s interest in archery.  Sort of a lost art which I am amazed at her ability in this area because I was awful at it in school.

Merida wasn’t the most glamorous of characters.  She wasn’t meant to be.  That was really part of her charm.  She was the tomboy of princesses.  She didn’t want to be your typical princess.  That was the whole story line.  She fought her mother on the teachings of being a proper princess.

But Disney apparently decided for her to fit the princess look Merida needed a new look.  My husband drew my attention to it over the weekend actually.  I didn’t think too much of it until I saw the image myself.  And I don’t like it, but not for the reason that most parents dislike it.

I don’t view her as the “feminist” of heroines.  And really to me all of these characters are just that, characters.  I don’t put too much stock in how a cartoon character looks or even behaves.  I have three daughters and they sure love their princesses.  Well, my youngest hasn’t seemed to find a favorite just yet.  My oldest loved Snow White, my middle is a Tinkerbell fanatic.  I don’t really look at any of these characters as life teachers for my kids.  My job as their parent is to make sure they understand the difference between reality and fiction.  And cartoons don’t really get much more fiction.  I mean come on now, who has ever seen a talking mouse.

So I don’t make too much out of Disney movies.  Sure there is a lesson to be learned in the story, but that lesson isn’t found in the drawn lines in the cartoon characters, it’s found in the story plot and the words that are said.

My issue with the makeover of Merida is it just makes her lose all meaning to the movie now.  I mean sure you can be beautiful and still be strong.  I mean come on people, you don’t have to be homely looking to be intelligent and strong.  There are plenty of amazingly drop dead gorgeous women out there who are very intelligent and strong.  So I certainly don’t think we should be giving the look of feminism a certain one size fits all look.  I mean that’s really kind of silly when you think about it, right?  We want equality, but beautiful women can’t be equal in the brains department to more plain women?  Seems like that’s creating more stereotypes for women.

However, at the same time if we’re looking at cartoon characters to give our daughter’s a sense of womanhood and what it means to be a woman, then I think we’re seriously failing them.  Merida’s change of appearance is unfortunate in that it just doesn’t fit her character’s personality not because of what it’s teaching our daughters.  If we’re relying on Disney movies to teach our daughters how to be a woman and what feminism is, then we have more problems than stereotypes and the idea that women have to be beautiful to be heard.  Or to be a princess you have to look a certain way.

It’s plain and simple.  Merida’s makeover is disappointing because it simply does not portray that tomboy headstrong look and attitude that is Merida.  It’s not because now our daughters don’t have a good strong feminist look to emulate out of a cartoon character.  It’s a cartoon.  It’s not like it’s possible to achieve the look of a cartoon character.

If we want to teach our young daughters to be equal, then we should lead by example.  We should learn to value ourselves and treat everyone around us as equals, including men.  Because we are our children’s first and most important teacher, not media and not Disney movies.

I’m all for media showing our girls what real women look like.  We know Barbie’s body imagine is unattainable and the average pant size of women in America is I believe 12.  So it’s nice that our daughters are understanding that women come in all shapes and sizes and we should be celebrated, but this is still our number one job as their parents to to teach them these things and instill the confidence to find beauty in their own skin.

I come from a generation where Jessica Rabbit was the unattainable body image of cartoons.  I knew she was ridiculously exaggerated and women don’t look like that; can’t look like that.  If I’m going to spend any time worrying about how women are portrayed it’s just not going to be through cartoons, plain and simple.  Because if I’m doing my job as a parent correctly, then my children know that cartoons are not real and my 5 year old won’t be putting any dynamite in bird seed to catch a bird.  And my daughters aren’t going to look at a fairy princess and think she has to look just like her.

But Disney, on the off chance you are reading this I do implore you to change back the look of Merida.  Not because I think she’s a feminist icon to teach our children what headstrong women look like, but because you had it right the first time.  Her original image suited her  character much better.

What do you think about the makeover of Merida from Brave?

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I hope everyone had a very happy Mother’s Day yesterday.  I sure did.  I’m at a very interesting stage in motherhood I think.  I still have little ones, but I also have older ones who can pitch in and do more to surprise me on their own.  Then I still get the cute little homemade cards, but I also get store bought gifts.

I surprisingly managed to sleep in until almost 10 in the morning.  Don’t ask me how or why that happened because well sleeping until 9 is usually like heaven these days.  And that really only happens after I had a rough night with a sick kid or something and my husband decides to let me sleep in, so it’s not really like extra sleep, just grabbing the sleep I missed out on the night before.

When I got up I had breakfast made for me by my teenager.  Scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, and an English muffin with a glass of chocolate milk.  Then I got the gifts.  Some coloring pages from all the kids, including my 2 year old.  A card my son made in school and a cute tea cup cut out with a poem written on it and a tea bag inside.  My middle daughter gave me a plant she planted at school and my oldest gave me a frog wind chime.  Which I actually had to laugh about because I had seen this Peace Frogs wind chime that I was going to share on my oldest daughter’s FB wall as a suggestion for a Mother’s Day present.  Ultimately I decided not to because it was more than I wanted her spending on me anyways.  She didn’t get me the Peace Frogs one, but the one she got was cute and I actually like it better.  I just thought it was funny that she knew me well enough to know I would like that despite the fact that I have no wind chimes.

My husband had to work so he left, but was home in time to cook me dinner.  Manicotti.  He also got me flowers and a card.

I played outside with the kids and just really got to enjoy them without having to worry about getting other stuff done.  I just let all of the other stuff go and didn’t let it bother me.

It is different than Mother’s Days past.  In the beginning I had this vision of sort of a day off from parenting.  Silly and naive, I know.  Mother’s Day isn’t about getting a day off.  Because there are no days off when you’re a mother.  No matter how old your kids get you will always worry about them and you will always love them and you will always parent them.  Mother’s Day is a celebration of motherhood.  And it’s for us all.

While it’s nice to have a few of the things you do as a mom taken off your plate for the day, that’s not what it’s all about.  While it’s nice for the people in your life to acknowledge the things you do to make their life a little easier that’s not what it’s about either.  It’s not even about the gifts or the handmade cards.  It’s about the joys that motherhood brings and about embracing those joys.  That was the best gift of all.  Getting to enjoy my children and celebrate our family.

But the not having to cook or wash dishes and all of those homemade gifts and even the wind chime are just extra special bonuses and physical reminders of just how much my kids love me and how well they know me.  That’s pretty darn special.

How was your Mother’s Day?

With it being Mother’s Day and all I have been giving a lot of thought to my own mother.  She is a huge part of the stories which are written on my heart and she truly made me who I am today.  That’s what a mother is supposed to do, right?

But I would be lying if I didn’t tell you that our relationship has been strained over the years.  It is definitely not the relationship I want with my mother or I have chosen and it breaks my heart that we can’t find our way past this.

Because in spite of everything every day as I mother my own four children I am reminded of my mother.  I do hear her voice coming out of my mouth.  Sometimes I wonder, how would my mom have handled this situation if it were me?

My mom is the one who taught me how to advocate for my children’s education.  She was always there and she was fair.  She didn’t take me just at my word, but she also didn’t believe everything about me my teachers told her.  And because she was that fine example of an educationally minded parent I have been able to provide that same advocacy for my children and have found the courage to make the tough decisions because of what she taught me.

My mom, even while working full time, managed to cook delicious home cooked meals almost every night.  While also providing delicious home made treats as well.  I have been able to provide that for my children and bring them to the table with meals that they enjoy.

As my children get older and I begin to do more of the things that I remember doing with my mom (those special mother daughter times) I look back and remember those times I’ve had with my mother.  I think some day my daughters will be doing this with their daughters and I hope remembering our moments together bring a smile to their face while they are making memories with their own kids like it does mine.

Even though things are strained between me and my mom right now that doesn’t change the fact that she is a huge part of me every single day of my life.  I hope things improve sooner rather than later so we can continue to write our story, but in spite of everything I know how truly blessed I am to have had a mother who made me me and the mother that I am.  I couldn’t have done it without you mom!  I love you!

So according to TodayMom.com there was a mom stress survey which apparently I missed out on.  I sure would have liked to take this survey.  Perhaps the results would have been skewed with my answers.

I was shocked to see that having 3 kids is more stressful than having four or more.  I think I have to disagree with that.  In all honesty the stress you have with your children is probably more directly related to the age of your children.  I spread my kids out.  My two oldest are almost exactly 3 years apart in age, but I didn’t have my 3rd until my middle daughter was 5 1/2.  Then my youngest came along 3 months after my sons 3rd birthday.

I distinctly remember when I was pregnant with my 2nd child I was petrified of how I would love another.  You know, the normal 2nd child fears.  Those quickly faded and I was left with that how do I juggle it all worry?  The first time my husband went back to work and I had to get both girls ready by myself, I do believe I cried.  We got into a groove though.

When I was pregnant with my 3rd my fears were just going back to all of the baby stuff again.  We had been away from that stuff for so long.  Also, when we found out he was a boy I was worried about how to care for a boy after having two girls.  Then when he was born it wasn’t long before we were dealing with health problems.  His first year is a bit of a blur to me, but I will say with a 9 year old and 6 year old and an infant the number wasn’t overwhelming, the whole dealing with a sick child was overwhelming and stressful.

Then during my pregnancy with my 4th I wasn’t even thinking about what it would be like after she got here, I was just thinking about getting her here after our loss just 2 years before.  Once she was here though my stress went through the roof.  I had 3 kids in 3 different schools at the time.  Then there was this newborn baby.  While I certainly had the confidence with her of actually parenting her; figuring out how to juggle the needs of the rest of my children was very stressful.

Here we are 2 years later and I’m still feeling overwhelmed.  I think that’s just motherhood.  I don’t know that one transition was worse than another though, they were just all different.  And in all honesty if it weren’t for my son’s health problems when he was born I think that would have been the easiest transition.  And that could just be because I did have the older children who wanted to help out with him.

While sure, my kids can kind of buddy up now it doesn’t exactly work out the greatest.  Now I have two sets of kids who go at it like cats and dogs and they drag each other into their fights.

Would I have it any other way?  Absolutely not.  I love having 4 kids.  Four was the number I said I always wanted.  I most definitely did not however find 3 kids to be more challenging than two or even four.  Then again, I didn’t need 3 hands to cross the street because my oldest was capable of crossing the street by herself.  I wasn’t chasing kids in three different directions because my two oldest were mostly beyond that wandering off stage.

In talking to my friends who have four kids though, number four tends to be extremely strong willed which just adds to the stress.  You know those parents you see in the stores with a screaming toddler?  That would be me now.  Even when my oldest were toddlers and I would see parents wrestling a little one into the carriage at the grocery store I would think why can’t they control that child?  I have no problem.  Now I think, that child must be a 4th child.  Because of all of my kids my youngest most definitely wants to be just like all of the older ones and she will fight you tooth and nail in an attempt to get her way.

I don’t give in, usually.  But let me tell you she is not at all afraid to use her voice to get her point across.  And I see extremely similar traits in my friend’s kids with number 4.  The one thing they all have in common is their pecking order in the family.

Perhaps I need to conduct my own survey.  I wonder if this particular survey was just performed with a larger number of mothers who stopped at three children and that’s why the results are what they are.  Because I would imagine a lot of parents who have more than 3 children might disagree with this assessment.

Bottom line though is motherhood is stressful no matter how many children you have.  And it doesn’t get less so the older they get either.  The cause of the stress just changes.

So tell me, how many children do you have?  Do you agree or disagree with this survey?  Do you think other factors such as birth order, medical problems, and the age range of your children have more to do with how stressful a job parenting is?

Combing out Lice (Photo credit: {studiobeerhorst}-bbmarie)

Head Lice seems to be going around.  I’ve heard people talking about it, my kids have come home with the informative papers about lice, and just last night a friend of mine said to me, “My daughter has lice what do I do?”  I have become the lice expert apparently.  After literally spending months when my son was a newborn battling lice with my two oldest girls I just might be the lice expert.  I tried it all, literally!

And truth be told, the best cure comes from Brazil.  Find yourself a friend from Brazil.  Seriously, the one thing that finally worked was a pill that my friend from Brazil gave me.  It’s not approved here in the US, but I was desperate.  Seriously, it had been months.  And if you have seen my daughter’s hair, they have a lot of hair.  Combing through their hair it was hours long process and then the cleaning on top of all of that.  It was exhausting.

So while normally I wouldn’t give my kids something not approved by their doctor I was at my whits end.  And knock on wood, they have been lice free ever since.  That’s 5 years without lice for either of them.  I was honestly considering shaving their heads when my friend rescued me.  And little girls should not be traumatized like that.  If it were my son, no big deal, but I couldn’t do that to my daughters.  That would be so hard to deal with.

Facts About Lice

Lice does not mean a person is dirty.  As a matter of fact lice prefer clean heads to dirty heads.  So don’t ever feel ashamed like you are dirty people because you have lice.  Lice don’t hurt or carry disease.  They do bite which can be itchy and the scratching can cause an infection.  So you want to make sure you get rid of them and watch for any sores on your child’s scalp and neck.  At any sign of infection you want to call your doctor.

Lice are very tiny.  An adult lice is brown/gray in color.  The eggs or nits are white and resemble dandruff.  However, it sticks to the hair shaft and does not fall off like dandruff does.  That’s how you can tell the difference.

Lice do not jump or fly.  They can only be passed human to human and with close physical contact.  That’s why sharing brushes, combs, hats, and hair accessories is not recommended.  These sort of activities are what cause the spread of lice.

It can take about 7-10 days for a nit to hatch.  So because of this if you find out someone has lice you will want to keep checking your child’s head for a few weeks.  Paying close attention to the nape of the neck and behind the ears.

You cannot get lice from your pet.  Only human to human contact can cause the spread of lice.

So now I’m sure you’re wondering how do I get rid of lice?  I mean short of having a friend from Brazil who can give you unapproved medication by the FDA which mind you I do not recommend at all.  While I swear by the stuff I have absolutely no idea what’s actually in the pill as I cannot read a word in the box.  It was probably an extremely foolish idea on my part, but did I tell you we had lice in our house for MONTHS?  I tried every treatment possible.  Lice are becoming resistant to our available treatments.

How To Delouse Your House

Here’s what you need to do…

1. Go to the store and get any over the counter lice shampoo (Rid, Nix, store brand – it doesn’t matter, they’re really all the same).  Make sure it has a nit comb, but grab a 2nd one in case you can con someone into helping you comb.  Pick up some Dawn dish detergent while you’re there.
2. Gather up all stuffed animals and place them in an air tight bag for two weeks.
3. Place all bedding in the washing machine and wash on extremely hot water.  This means sheets, blankets, pillows, and don’t forget your carseat covers too.
4. Vacuum all beds, couches, and carpets.  Remove couch cushions and get in the crevices of the couch and chairs too.  Anywhere hair can get that you can actually wash, vacuum it.
5. Gather up all hair combs, brushes, hats, and even bike helmets.  Anything that can be washed soak in extremely hot water and rubbing alcohol.  Wash with Dawn dish detergent.  Anything that cannot be washed (bike helmets) put in an air tight bag and stick it in the freezer for at least 12 hours.  This should kill the lice/nits so you can use them right away.
6. Now to treat your child – Start with the lice shampoo.  Do not shampoo or condition your child’s hair first, just apply the lice shampoo at directed on the box.  Put your child’s hair in a shower cap and let sit for however long the instructions say.
7. Rinse the hair and apply the Dawn dish soap to help aid in the removal of nits.  Rinse again and now get your nit comb.  Have a towel for wiping the comb.
8. In very small clumps starting at the nape of the neck slowly begin combing through the hair.  Make sure you get right to the scalp and work your way around the head.  Look closely you want to get as much of the nits as you possibly can.  Make sure everyone’s in a comfy spot because this is going to take a while.  Especially if you have a child with a lot of hair.
9. Comb the hair like this, while wet, every day for the next two weeks.
10. One week after the initial treatment, treat again just to make sure you got them.

Now if after 2 weeks you still have lice, call your doctor.  There is a prescription they can give you, but it is highly highly flammable.  They made me swear that I would not light a fire around my children while doing this.  That means no hair dryer too.  This is done the same way as the over the counter treatments.  You’ll need to comb through the hair still and honestly my kids complained that it burned their scalp from what I remember.  And in the end it didn’t even work.

I was either dealing with particular aggressive bugs, or there was a serious undiagnosed problem at our school.  I think the school was contributing to the problem.  When I told the school that my girls had head lice, two weeks later the nurse hadn’t even checked the students.  Who remembers in school going down to the nurses office as a class so she could comb through our hair checking for lice?  I remember doing that and I expected the same to happen to my kids.  Instead, every time I set foot in the school office (which was a lot, I was the PTA president) I would see the nurse sitting in the office chatting with people.  When I questioned why she wasn’t checking the school for lice she said there wasn’t enough time for that because she was all by herself.  So needless to say I think it was just getting passed around their school.

Prevention

Lice generally is a right of passage of any parent/child I would think.  I remember a few times of going through this drill as a child.  I also remember hating that my brother could just get buzzed and be done with it, while I had to go through the long tedious process of sitting there and getting my hair pulled and combed through.  Little did I know then how hard it was on the one who was doing the tugging and pulling.  So while you probably can’t completely avoid the lice drill, here are some reminders for your kids and things you can use to deter the lice.

• Remind your child that brushes, combs, hats, and hair accessories (or really anything that goes on your head or in your hair) are not to be shared.
• Encourage your child to avoid getting too close.
• Remind your child to hang coats and hats up separate and not to toss it in a pile with the rest of his classmates.
• Rosemary is supposed to repel lice.  There is a leave in spray conditioner called Fairy Tales Rosemary Repel Leave-in Conditioning Spray that is supposed to repel lice and other insects from the hair.  Get some and use it throughout the school year on your child’s hair.  There is also a Rosemary shampoo you can get.  I purchased it through my hairdresser.
• Use plastic mattress and pillow covers.

Most important, don’t panic.  This is very common and it’s really just annoying and a lot of work.  If there’s one thing I’d really like everyone to take from this though it’s that head lice does not mean you’re dirty, it means you’re clean.  So it’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Make sure you tell administration at your child’s school or sports coaches and the parents of children who might have recently slept over.  Finding it early is important to tackling the problem.

Are you prepared now to handle head lice should your child get it?