Edited 3/5/2013 with updated information at the bottom.
I recently read something about spanking our children and it being a gray area. That for some children it works for, but others it doesn’t. Just another so called “Mom War” I guess. But here’s the thing that so many people seem to forget: It’s illegal. Yes, you can get arrested for spanking your child.
Now of course generally speaking that’s not going to happen unless you leave a mark on your child. A little swat on the hand to keep your child from touching the hot stove, no big deal right? He needs to learn the stove is hot and he could get a boo boo, so why not? Well, how about because you’re sending mixed messages. It’s not the stove your child is associating with pain, it’s you.
You see the line between spanking and abuse is so easily crossed. And you can say all you want that you won’t cross that line. Or you can say I was spanked as a child and I have this deep profound relationship with my parents. I respect them for it. But you know I’m not aware of any studies that prove that the majority of children who were spanked in their childhood came out the other end just fine. However, I have heard of the damage spanking can do to a child and can do to a relationship. Just because you didn’t come out of your childhood with any battle wounds doesn’t mean your child won’t. And I don’t know for me it’s just why take the chance?
To me it’s black and white. Spanking in any form is bad discipline but teaching is good discipline. There’s never a gray area in spanking. There’s nothing to battle. It is illegal plain and simple.
Let me put it to you this way. What if your child’s teacher spanked your child? Would you be okay with that? I mean it happened all the time in schools for our parents. Especially Catholic school. We don’t accept it now though. Just like you can’t spank your boss, coworker, neighbor, friend, spouse, or stranger walking down the street why would it ever be okay to hit your own child even if it’s in the name of discipline? Why do we get that kind of power over our children? Plain and simple we don’t. Just because we gave them life does not give us the right to strike them for any reason. It doesn’t matter how old they are or how much you reason it away it’s illegal.
Our Kids Are So Disrespectful These Days
Yup, kids have no respect in many cases. Is that because they aren’t being spanked? I don’t think so at all. It’s because they aren’t being taught respect. My children respect their elders. They have been taught how to behave. They have been given clear cut expectations. And they obey, not because they fear me or my husband, but because we talk to them about their behavior and take the time to correct them when they go wrong.
Yes, my children are not perfect. Neither am I. I will admit I get very angry and sometimes have a hard time controlling my temper. Sometimes Mom needs a timeout.
Spare the rod and spoil the child doesn’t work either. We need to spare the rod and teach our children. It’s not easy. It takes work. We work at it everyday. Climbing on furniture is an expectation that my children are aware of. We don’t climb on furniture. It’s not done at home and it most certainly is not done at someone else’s house. Dinner is eaten at the dinner table and we say please and thank you. These are all daily activities we do at home and our children are growing up learning how to have respect for themselves, for others, and for others belongings.
Our children do not fear us and they definitely let their hair down at home and get lax in how they talk to us. We correct by modeling how they should have said it. There is no reason that I can see that hitting in anyway is an appropriate form of punishment for my children.
I Will Do Better
My parents didn’t discipline us in the same way their parents disciplined them. We got spankings. Occasionally with the belt. My brother got it more than I did and I learned real quick to not cross them, but not because it was right but because I didn’t want to get hit. Things got bad with my brother to the point where there were knock down drag out fights by the time he was a teenager.
And do you know what it taught my brother? It taught him that it was okay to use his little sister as his personal punching bag. I was smaller and weaker than him and an easy target.
I will not do that to my children. Just like I put my children in car seats for longer amounts of time and like I make them wear a bike helmet when they ride their bikes.
It’s not that I think my parents were bad parents. They did better than their parents. My mom grew up with a neglectful mother who used to leave her standing outside of a bar with her little brother and sister for hours on end. She never did that to me. She also never made me kneel in uncooked rice or hit me with whatever was handy for whatever reason. My parents did the best they knew how and now that there’s more information available about the affects of spanking, riding in a car without a car seat, riding a bike without a helmet I know that to keep my kids safe I have to listen to that and do better than my parents did.
I would think they would want that for their grandchildren. It’s not about not liking things about my childhood. I had a decent childhood and I know my parents did the best they knew how. And now I will take what I learned from them and do better than they did and my children will do even better by their children.
Just as we have laws telling us to keep our children in car seats and wearing helmets there are laws against striking children. There’s just no ifs ands or buts about it, it’s illegal.
So the next time you go to spank your child (if that’s your thing) I hope you think is it really for the best or is there another way you can get your lesson across without using physical violence.
Are you a spanker? Do you still think it’s okay to do?
*I just want to add that while I know the entire premise of this blog post is to say spanking is unequivocally illegal and that’s why you shouldn’t do it, I should note that every state varies in their definition of what constitutes actual abuse making it illegal. While physical discipline in most states is allowed there are states which do not allow it at all and some where interpretation of the actual law can vary depending on who you speak to because of very broad terminology.
So if you’re hell bent that spanking is the best way to discipline a child, then I strongly suggest you check the laws in your state. Don’t be too surprised though if the law allows for reasonable force to be used, you end up in jail because of it. I have seen it happen.
What state are you in that spanking is illegal?
I’m in CT. I could be wrong I suppose, but I know people who have been arrested for it. It didn’t go far and there was no jail time, but it’s a very fine line.
No, it’s not illegal – I just Googled it and got a site listing state by state laws on the subject. For CT it says: “It is abuse if having control and custody of a child under sixteen (16) one cruelly or unlawfully punishes.
§ 53-20. [Criminal Code] Parent/guardian/person with care and supervision of a minor (other than a teacher) may use reasonable physical force, when and to the extent that he reasonably believes necessary to maintain discipline or promote welfare of minor.
§ 53a-18. [Criminal Code]”
http://kidjacked.com/legal/spanking_law.asp
Thanks Joanna,
I looked it up too and saw that and honestly it seems like it’s kind of vague. Who’s to say what reasonable physical force is? If a complaint is made most likely the police will arrest just because what you think of as reasonable physical force could vary from what someone else thinks is reasonable. But like I said you likely won’t get arrested for smacking your child on the hand for going to touch the stove, but are they really associating the stove with pain or are they associating you with pain?
I just asked because I know that it is not illegal in Texas. I don’t know about CT.
Monica, How can you put this statement in your blog about spanking? “Just as we have laws telling us to keep our children in car seats and wearing helmets there are laws against striking children. There’s just no ifs ands or buts about it, it’s illegal.”
Then in a reply to someones question you say…
“I looked it up too and saw that and honestly it seems like it’s kind of vague. Who’s to say what reaso
nable physical force is? If a complaint is made most likely the police will arrest just because what you think of as reasonable physical force could vary from what someone else thinks is reasonable. But like I said you likely won’t get arrested for smacking your child on the hand for going to touch the stove, but are they really associating the stove with pain or are they associating you with pain?”
I am a parent of an 8 year old, and I have never spanked my child. But if the day comes that i feel there is a need to, I damn sure will. And it would we nice if people like yourself wouldn’t act like you know the law, when evidentially all you know is your opinion on a matter. Good day to you Madam, I hope this will persuade to look up some actual laws and facts about other concerns you may have.
-Patrick Conley
Thank you for your comment Patrick. As I said I know people who have been arrested for spanking. It’s a fine line to abuse and I don’t know if it’s a line I’d want to cross.
Monica,
Thank you for the reply, but you are still missing the point. Yes, I can agree with you that: you are strongly against anyone spanking a child.
What I don’t agree with is the way you twist your opinion to sound like it’ s the law.
And as much as you would like to think otherwise, these “people that you know” whom were arrested for “spanking”. I don’t believe they were anywhere near the “fine line” between abuse spanking. In fact, I would go so far to say that there is no “fine line” between the two. Nor a grey area.
Spanking is when you swat a child on the buttocks with a belt or paddle 1-3 times. When administered properly, they will know exactly when each swat is coming and know to hold still.
Abuse is when a child gets a spanking and gets hit with whatever is near or convenient one dolling out punishment. And no pre-set amount of swats to be given.
Abuse is when ANY spanking is done out of anger or impulse. And it is abuse for them not know why they are being spanked. I believe that a child should admit to you that they deserve a spanking for the offense, BEFORE the spanking. Based on a prior agreement that a spanking would be the punishment for the offense.
I can say this to be FACT: I have never spanked my child, and recently she has been having some behavioral issues. So, this is what I did. I glued two pieces of ¼ “ x3 ½ “ x24” of white pine together. I carved a nice handle in one end, rounded every square edge off of it. Then I plained and sanded all of the wood to make it smooth as silk.
I then went inside and called her to her room and i showed her the new paddle and told her when (if ever) it would be used. I let her swat herself with it on her hand till she said it hurt, then I seated myself on the hand and it made a very loud pop. I told her that I was going to swat her that hard if I had to spank her. And I promised her that I would do it.
That was a couple months ago, the behavior problem is gone. And still no spanking(I’ll keep you posted). Just the thought of a spanking worked because if done from love and the best interest of the child THERE IS NO OTHER TRAINING METHOD MORE EFFECTIVE.
-P.L. Conley
Patrick,
I must admit I am seriously disturbed that you came to a public website and just wrote out the instrument with which you threatened your child with. I have four children ranging in age from toddler to teen and what you have described I have never had to do with any of my children. So you would like your child to live in fear of you and this paddle you have created for the sole purpose of spanking?
You see here’s the thing Patrick, what you describe here can absolutely be illegal in some states. The mere threat of a child with bodily harm can be considered mental abuse. Now it might be difficult to prove that your child is suffering from severe mental anguish, but depending on what state you live in yes, this could be illegal and if reported it could cause you to be arrested. We’re also bound by others interpretation of the laws as well. So while you might think that you have caused no great physical harm with your paddle the fact that you would use an instrument aside from your hand to “spank” your child to whomever it’s reported to just might land you in jail. And the state of Delaware has a law against all corporal punishment of children. How far things go will likely depend on your own criminal history and probably the judge you get in a case, but don’t be disillusioned into thinking that in many states you can’t end up in jail for even a night for striking your child with your hand or even an object or just threatening your child with abuse. There is a gray area in this. Laws are full of gray areas. Some states have defined very clearly what needs to be in place for it to be a crime and some simply say excessive physical force is too much. And your excessive and my excessive very well could vary greatly.
I wish you luck with your daughter. I am very sad and scared for her though. I remember all too well the fear of my father’s belt growing up. I remember the sting of that on my bare bottom when I stuck things into electrical outlets that I shouldn’t have and then lied about it at 5 years old. Am I better off because of it? I don’t know. I turned out okay I guess. And I do love my father. But he did better with me than his parents did with him and I hope I’m doing better with my kids than he did with me. And I certainly wasn’t feeling very loved in the moment. I didn’t feel love when the belt came off the door my father would hang it on. I know he loves me, but in those instances where I was threatened with the belt, I was not seeing the love. I know it’s hard to find just the right punishment in some circumstances for certain behaviors, but I don’t believe hitting is the answer and I think the reason it becomes a problem is too many people think they can control their anger in the moment, but in the end they take things one step too far. But I will tell you that so far with my children I have managed to refrain from hitting them or even threatening to hit them and they are good kids. Well liked in school by their peers and their teachers. Kids are kids and they do make mistakes, but I can’t think of any instance where it is okay to strike a child. I hope you never find that reason with your child. I don’t know, somehow I have managed to find a way to discipline my children without resorting to physical threats of violence and they are turning out pretty okay. Not knocking over liquor stores just yet anyways.
Monica, please don’t be dramatic and exagerated, I have had the need to spank my 3 year old daughter twice and I do not regret it, in fact it was the best thing I did to correct her and she never repeated those two atitudes again and we (my wife and I) have known how to educate her properly, she has very good manners to be a 3 year old but there are certain things we will not accept, before we spanked her we told her that attitude was unacceptable and she had to apologize, since she did not apologize immediately and instead she made a tantrum I spanked her twice on her behind, she cried a little and then calmed down, and after that she said ” Im sorry daddy” and she never repeated that attitud again. I think every child is different, I have 2 children, the both have been educated the same but it has been harder with our daughter, we have never had the need to spanke my son for example, he has never given us a reason YET. I definetly think todays children are a mess and I definetly think my parents generation were better educated than todays, so I would rather copy the old fashion way. If a police officer would call my attention for spanking my children, I would propably go to jail for telling the officer to mind his own business, I would tell him these are my children and I educate them my way, the same would happen if anybody questions my way of educating my children, at the end of the day they are my responsability.
Okay Jorge, I have a 14 year old, 11 year old, 5 year old, and 2 year old. I have not spanked any of my children as I was spanked as a child and yet somehow they are growing up to be productive members of society. None of them have been in serious trouble. They are looked at in their school as leaders and people with which they can help teach other students to change their behavior. All this done without striking my children. You can be firm without crossing the tight line of abuse. They are our responsibility at home, but at some point they do go out into the world and they need to know that we don’t handle situations by striking other people. You do what you feel is right, but if you live in a state which says it’s against the law, then know you are risking jail time. This isn’t over dramatic. These laws were created for a reason and you do need to be mindful of that. Laws govern many things in our parenting. We can’t deprive our children of food or appropriate medical care when needed, that would be neglect. We can’t tattoo our kids. We have to send them to school or at least answer to authorities of how we are educating them at home when they reach a certain age. So why would the way in which we discipline our children be any different? Make yourself familiar with your states laws on these matters and understand also that laws always have room for different interpretations as well. Which means that you could get into legal hot water over how you discipline your child. That was the point of this post.