TFB vs MMM

TFB is an acronym for The Feminist Breeder, a popular blogger, that it seems people either love or hate.  Well, maybe hate is harsh because I wouldn’t say I hate her, but I will say I have zero respect for her.

I found her a little over a year ago.  She writes relatively well.  She puts forth a good story, but man does a lot of stuff happen to her.  She’s really rather exhausting actually.  And at some point you just have to say it’s just not possible that all of this stuff happens to her.  At least not in the way she says it happens.

Her Latest Drama

So now the author of TFB, Gina Crosley-Corcoran , is alleging that a few months ago during a very stressful time in her life she turned to her support community on twitter and tweeted some things to them about feeling that she just couldn’t go on any longer.  She calls the statements she made passively suicidal.  And someone had the nerve to call the police on her from another state.  And she almost landed in the hospital on a 72 hour hold and was completely violated and humiliated by having the police in her home watching her get dressed so they could bring her out to the waiting ambulance.

Apparently they sent out a mental health professional in the ambulance that night who was able to asses the situation and determine that Gina could be left in the custody of her husband and did not need to be brought to the hospital or admitted for a 72 hour hold.  Lucky break that she ended up with the one paramedic on the planet who has the authority to make these calls.

She claims she never said anything about the situation at the time, because she couldn’t relive her horror, but she felt she had to share it now because she was in a place where she would normally talk to her twitter community, but couldn’t because of this whole incident.  So she’s still so upset about it she had to get it out.  All in the interest of helping others though.

What she ended up getting out was a story that completely calls out a person in Utah who calls and tattles on her, but while maybe they did it to be helpful it was more likely that she did it because she’s a troll.

I Object

Lets assume for a moment that everything Gina says is completely and totally true.  That she was just passively suicidal and people should know that.  That the police stood over her watching her get dressed.  That the paramedic was capable of making psychological evaluations and would actually take on the responsibility and risk being sued if she did end up killing herself.

I actually kind of feel sorry for Gina that she lives with so much hate that she can’t even try to see the good in people.  That she used her blog as sort of a witch hunt to try to find this caller.  That she would be so self involved that she would have to make it out that anyone who would report someone for making the statements that she made is just evil and out to get you.

Because here’s the thing, that’s exactly what a lay person should do in this situation.  I tried to explain to Gina that if this had been one of her children, and one of his friends failed to report it, I doubt she would have hugged the friend and said it’s okay I understand why you didn’t tell anyone.  Especially if her child had harmed and or killed himself after making those statements that went unreported.

I tell my children all the time that if anyone says they are going to kill themselves then they must tell a guidance counselor or teacher at school.  And you know what, I would expect that from them when they are grown too.  Better to air on the side of caution.  Hey, I took lots of psychology classes in college.  I was sure that was going to be my major.  Even still I don’t know that I have the right words to talk someone through suicidal thoughts.  Especially not someone on the internet.  Because how much do we really know about a person on the internet?  So you better believe if one of my friends came to me and said I know this girl on the internet who said she doesn’t think she can go on anymore I would absolutely say you should call someone to do a welfare check on her.

Since many of the comments Gina was receiving were saying how awful that was and how this person did not mean well at all, I felt compelled to thank the caller.  To let her know that not everyone feels she was out to harm.  Because I am fearful that the next person who reads this story might second guess her instinct, not call, and things could end tragically.  Who wants to be called out on some blog to thousands of people when they were just trying to do the right thing?

Of course Gina took exception to my thanking the caller, gave me a snide remark and then promptly banned me so I could not defend my position.  Hence, why I am here.

So Gina, in case you were wondering what I thought about your comment here you go.  I think you just proved that you don’t for one second believe that the person who called was being a good Samaritan.  Your comment proves that.  And I really truly feel for you that you live with that much hate that all you can see is someone being out to get you.

Honestly, if you can’t handle any sort of disagreement, then perhaps you shouldn’t be blogging anymore.  It doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy venue for you.  And you’re not helping anyone by creating a lynch mob for a person who might have been simply trying to prevent your family from experiencing the grief of losing a family member to suicide.  Something that maybe the caller wishes someone had done for her family.

I won’t even go into why I think this story is overly exaggerated.  I think it’s clear what I think.  It honestly doesn’t even matter if the story played out exactly how it was shared or some less dramatic variation.  You are doing no one a service with your blog.  And you need to be accountable for the things that you do say.

It’s Not Fair

I get that it’s not fair that you get held to a different standard when you’re in the lime light.  Especially a popular person in the lime light.  People look to you for input and guidance in things.  But you have to be mindful of your words.  Layperson or not, you have to be mindful of what you say and how you say it.

A few years ago when I was coming to the end of my time as PTA president at my children’s school I was getting fed up with one of my children’s teachers.  I naturally blogged about it and it was not received well.  Other parents loved it and said right on, but teachers and staff in the school were talking about my blog.

I honestly wasn’t aware that so many people were aware of my blog.  It was a family blog that I used to call out my child’s teacher.  While I never used her name all of those who knew me knew exactly who I was talking about.  I was frustrated with how things were going though and I felt this was my place to get it out.  But my blog was public.  The teacher caught wind of it.  I got “spoken” to by some of the staff telling me that as PTA president I was not setting a good example for other parents in how to deal with these situations.

Now mind you I had been through countless meetings with the teacher.  Things weren’t changing.  My child was miserable.  I was frustrated.  I felt it was my right to say something.  I still do to an extent believe that I was not entirely wrong for that because my volunteer work as PTA president does not come before the well being of my own children.  They are first and foremost and I don’t generally think of myself as a role model for other parents, but in that position I was like it or not.

Ultimately, the blog post didn’t exactly help me because when I met with the teacher and the principal my blog post was used against me in that meeting where the teacher took each point I made and counter argued it.  It didn’t matter how right I was.  It didn’t matter that the principal knew me and knew that my reaction was likely out of frustration.  He backed the teacher.  It was then that I knew that I would not be asking for another out of district waiver to allow my child to remain in that school.  It was then that I decided that I don’t want to be held to a different standard from any other parent.  And it was then that I realized that being the PTA officer wasn’t worth all of that.

So my point is that if you write a blog to help people and it becomes too much, then you need to just take a step back from it.  There is no shame in that.  Your own mental health is more important than anything else.  And really, when you have crossed the line to being harmful to others, which I do think this has, then you just need to stop.

I am more careful with what I say about my children’s education on the internet.  I am more careful with my vents because I don’t want it to be misconstrued by another parent or by my children’s educators.  I don’t want a parent to think that if you’re frustrated with a teacher just write about it on the internet for the world to see and to pat you on the back saying you did the right thing.  Because there should always be open lines of communication between parent and teacher.  And I most certainly don’t want to be sitting in a school conference room with the principal and my child’s teacher on one side of the table and my husband and I on the other side of the table bickering over words that were said out of anger and in the heat of the moment.  Some things are just better done in private.

Much like chatting with people about your mental status.  If you don’t have a local support group of girlfriends which you can call to talk about your mental status and the only place you have to talk about it is on the internet, out in open, in the public, then you need to accept the consequences of those actions.  You might also want to figure out why it is that the only place you have friends is anonymous strangers on the internet.

Sometimes we have to take some culpability in the things that happen to us.  That’s what we as grown ups do.  Admit our mistakes and move on.

So I ask this of Gina, when will you admit your mistakes in things and move on?  It might make you a little less bitter.

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Comments

  1. Very nice! I totally agree.

  2. I hope TFB sees this and takes a minute to question her anger. Someone was trying to HELP you gina! Stop being so paranoid! If it really was one of your “trolls” who called maybe you should be wondering why they care more about you then your so called fans….

    • Unfortunately I don’t think it will be much more than a chance for her to go on yet another rant about trolls. Just because someone doesn’t agree with you doesn’t mean she’s a troll. And just because someone calls the police on you that doesn’t mean she’s a troll. And even me writing this post doesn’t make me a troll. If you make it impossible for people to respond to you because they aren’t saying you are so awesome and it’s just awful that all of these things happen to you, then you need to expect people to find a way to let you know what they think.

      And if by chance Gina does find this post and she would like to tell me I’m a psychopath, then I welcome her opinion here. I will not ban and I will not prevent the comment from posting. She can even go to her FB page and tell people how crazy I am, but I should warn her I have a file about her too just like she does all of her so called trolls. The police have much more serious issues to take care of than this tit for tat, but I am saving all of the evidence of my interactions because Gina is not quite the victim she makes herself out to be.

      • TheHappyPappy says:

        This is very, very late but what the hey… People like Gina and Kate Gosselin need to realize that if you choose to put yourself in the public eye, particularly if you are implicitly holding yourself up as an example to other mothers of how to parent, people will disagree with your choices. That is inevitable. People criticize Gandhi, for goodness sake! And people politely but firmly saying “you are wrong and here’s why” are NOT BULLYING YOU. Disagreeing with someone does not mean you are attacking them. And if you can’t cope with outright offensive and derogatory comments (let alone mild disagreement and/or a request for clarification, which TFB has overreacted to MANY times) you shouldn’t be pushing yourself into the public eye, deliberately seeking attention and praise.

        And YES a dozen times over to the sentiment that it’s better to report and be proven wrong than not do so and wish you had. I came home the other day and found a handwritten “will” from my mom on the computer. She hadn’t shown any signs of being depressed but she does have a history of mental health issues and depression, so it kind of freaked me out. I called my aunt, my mom’s cell phone and mom’s mental health worker, who advised me to wait until mom came home (we share a home) and just talk to her. It turned out to be fine, nothing like what I was worried about. But I don’t regret making all those phone calls for a second. Better safe than sorry! Mom was actually touched that I cared about her so much I would be that worried over a little hand-scrawled note. I would do it again in a heartbeat, even if I had to use google translate to call authorities in Delhi to save someone I never met. Better safe than sorry! If only Gina could feel the same way about some stranger trying to save her life, instead of using it as an excuse to play victim YET AGAIN.

  3. Well written!

  4. I’ve visited The Feminist Breeder a few times and each time, I end up with a headache. How does she (nor any of her fans) not see that she is contributing to 80% of her life’s stresses? She chooses to have three kids she can’t afford, complains that the food she gets for FREE isn’t organic enough for her tastes, complains that the school didn’t bend over backwards for her (could you imagine trying to study and there’s a newborn in your classroom?) Then she says she made $4880 a year for more than 960 hours of work, making her a total of…. $5.08/hr. Then she complains that she’s so depressed, anxious and stressed out that she has to take a buttload of medication. Hello!! Why don’t you start by getting rid of the blog because it’s obviously too much time and stress for something that’s supposed to be a hobby. And now this, complains that someone had the nerve to call the police when SHE was the one who talked about offing herself. But no, *obviously* the dumb dumb was supposed to know that it was passive ideation and not active ideation.

    • Exactly! I feel like it’s a parallel universe whenever I find myself over there. The shock, the horror, how dare someone care that she not take her life. But you know if no one did that and she survived her attempt at suicide she would totally be upset that no one heard her cry for help. Hello, can anyone win here? She drives me batty. And there are so many people just like her it’s really rather scary. And they are out there giving medical advice just like her. Considering the comments she made about her being better off dead were made because she was stressed out from comments people were making on her blog. So it would be best if she got rid of the source of her stress which apparently is her blog.

  5. Sorry this a bit late, but I just had to respond. I agree with about TFB, If you do not agree with everything she says or does, you are a troll and you will be banned. She is one of the biggest whiners I have ever seen. If she ain’t whining, she ain’t happy. The one that really floored me was when she was getting WIC and she was whining about how terrible the food. Oh yeah and when she graduated “Summa Cum Laude” and then the school came back with “you DID NOT” earn that honor, she was whining once again. I had no sympathy for her, if she did not earn it, she did not earn it…simple fact. My son earned his honor of Summa Cum Laude, when he graduated with an MA in Economics.
    I agree she whines about not having money, unable to make ends meet, yet she buys a pool, she goes on little trips etc. One of my favorite things she did (NOT) was when she begged her minions for money to go on a trip to California. I have to say she has some big ass balls! That and her minions are total pushovers.

    • Oh but she had to go to CA to see the premiere of The Business Of Being Born. Her minions had to read all about that. I wonder if that’s a tax write off? What do you say, I donated money to a blogger so she could go to a movie premiere? She is something else. Perhaps she needs to have a disclaimer on all of her words letting people know exactly the kind of attention she seeks.

  6. I think the biggest problem with and for TFB is that she’s an abrasive and misunderstood person. As in, she comes off as abrasive and people who don’t know her don’t “get” her, so they’re interpreting her much worse than is necessary. I don’t know her myself, but I’ve known a lot of people like her, and it’s kinda sad. I suspect she’s actually a very nice, well-meaning person who just doesn’t know how to communicate her thoughts and feelings as well as she would like… And you know what? That’s very typical of someone who came from a messed up family. (And no matter which messed up story you’ve read or have come to believe, there’s no question that her family was and is dysfunctional.)

    And since she came from a dysfunctional family, had dysfunctional relationships, and clearly has issues (as so many of us do), AND is regularly the subject of much scorn and ridicule, AND clearly takes that scorn and ridicule so very personally… Well, it’s not at all surprising to me that she felt traumatized by having the police come to her home. She’s clearly an emotional person, and it probably felt like an assault to have police watching her dress, to have to talk to EMTs, etc. when she was already feeling down. That doesn’t mean her reaction was rational or reasonable. In fact, I don’t think it was rational or reasonable, but I do think that’s exactly the point.

    She had a big emotional reaction to having the police and EMTs called to her house and is not handling it well. At all. She’s lashing out because she hasn’t learned healthy ways to deal with feeling depressed, upset, scared, embarrassed, etc. People who had crappy childhoods often have this problem and need help to deal with it, and clearly that’s what she needs to do… But I don’t think it helps that people are so quick to critique everything she says and does. Some of the things people say about her online are truly disgusting and unnecessary. I’m not saying that you’re one of them, but I am pointing out how unhelpful it is that so many people have no problem giving her both barrels over every little thing she does. I don’t know about you, but if I was called a stupid, selfish bitch on a regular basis, I would get pretty defensive too.

    In general… IMO… She means well, and she trying, but this isn’t an ideal forum for her. Emotional people who bruise easily and react defensively don’t do well in open forums on the internet. All these incidents are probably highly damaging to her psyche in very real ways, but it’s gotten to the point that many people who dislike/hate/loathe her don’t or barely register her as a human being, and don’t care whether she’s actually hurting. They just see the defensiveness and jump to “bitch” without caring about the why.

    So to sum up… I think you’re right. At least, I hope you’re right, and that the person who called the police on her really did mean well, and that this was just another big ugly misunderstanding. But you’re definitely right that we do have to take it seriously when someone appears to be suicidal, and that it’s a bad idea to squash those feelings of concern. I just wish people would cut each other some slack when these things happen instead of jumping to the conclusion that a person is acting/reacting the way they are because they’re a bad or defective person.

    • Thank you Michelle. I am sure that being called names is very difficult. However, I also think she brings a lot of it on herself. You’re right, she needs help, but she also needs to get off the internet and I don’t think the ones who continue to tell her how great she is and encourage her to continue to break the law even are doing her any good. I did not call her any names when I commented to her, but she lashed out at me for trying to help her not be so angry and out to get someone who truly could have just been trying to help her. I feel her story is way over exaggerated as well. Great way to get readers. It’s a shame. I don’t believe that people start out intending to be mean and call her names, but when she lashes out like she does it’s hard not to. She throws around a lot of names herself at people. Not that it justifies anything, but at the same time when someone is coming from a place of trying to help and she acts the way she does it’s really easy to see why people do what they do. She needs to have someone in her life telling her to get off the internet and seek professional help and make it a priority because right now she can’t see past the trees in the forest.

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